Gradually now I saw more clearly what had been my assumptions about the meaning of ‘trying’ and ‘willing’. ‘Trying’ was an internal clenching and grunting which I seemed to imagine had a virtue of its own; for how often had I not successfully excused my failures at school and at home by saying, ‘Well, I did try.’ Once, quite recently, when I had answered a difficult question by saying, ‘I am trying to think’, someone had said, ‘Don't try, think.’ So at long last I had grasped the idea that the indispensable preliminary to every task which appeared difficult was not a general tensing and contraction, but that the response I hoped for would happen if I just looked in the direction I wanted to go and waited.

And I think I’ve, my whole life, had a real penchant for avoiding the hard and doin’ the easy. And then part of, you know, part of why we’re here is to kinda learn how to not do that so much. That it’s ultimately less painful not to do that.

It had been more comforting to imagine that I might eventually “optimize” myself into the kind of person who could confront such decisions without fear, feeling totally in charge of the process. I didn’t want to accept that this was never going to happen—that fear was part of the deal, and that experiencing it wouldn’t destroy me.

How would you spend your days differently if you didn’t care so much about seeing your actions reach fruition?

I had the desire always to be getting things done to prove to myself that I existed as a person at all.

I could easily make lists of whatever came into my head but could not decide between them because in one mood one would be important, in a different mood another; I had never followed any one of them whole-heartedly. I had thought I wanted a great many friends, but had often refused invitations because I hated to feel the beautiful free space of an empty day, free for me to do what I liked in, broken into by social obligations. I had thought I wanted to be a unique individual, but had been filled with shame when anyone disagreed with me, hastening to take back what I had said. I had thought I wanted to be importantly useful in the world, but avoided all opportunities for responsibility. I had thought I wanted to plumb human experience to the depths, and yet had striven to remain immaculately aloof from all emotional disturbance.

I believe that if I can’t impress people by how much I’ve accomplished, I can maybe be impressive with how practical my ambitions are, how little I expect.

Because I’d like to be the sort of person who can enjoy things at the time, instead of having to go back in my head and enjoy them then.

“In truth, I’ve always had ups and downs, periods of intense productivity and energy followed by periods of low motivation,” he wrote. “I’ve been this way for as long as I can remember. This time around did seem a little worse than usual, but I reminded myself that with the success of Stardew Valley, my life got very weird very suddenly. It’s probably normal to need some time to adjust. I’m not even sure if this recent funk was due to the sudden success, to my own volatile brain chemistry or simply a result of working too hard for too long without a break. Sometimes I forget that I am actually a human with the need to relax and have a little fun.”